


it goes round & round (why do I keep coming back)

by lovemeright (fishcakes)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Friends With Benefits, M/M, Mild Language, Mild Sexual Content, Unhealthy Relationships, chingu line friendship, mention of past!kyungmyeon, mentions of smoking, this is what comes out of real life feels and broken!xiuchen
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-13
Updated: 2016-04-13
Packaged: 2018-06-02 00:45:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,237
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6543571
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fishcakes/pseuds/lovemeright
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>the string that’s tethering him to the one person he thinks he might still loves is the same string that is tangling around his neck and it gets tighter every damn day. (alternatively: kim jongdae just doesn’t know how to let go.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	it goes round & round (why do I keep coming back)

**Author's Note:**

> originally written for round 2 of [seokmonsters](http://seokmonsters.livejournal.com/).
> 
> somehow xiuchen can never be happy whenever i write them and this is what comes out when xiuchen meets real life feels and regrets + an endless repeat of certain songs. i probably should apologize for ending it like this because i’m kinda bad with endings.
> 
> self-beta’d and written while wallowing in sadness and feels (most of the time) so all mistakes are my own and the tenses are a mess. title from bts’ i need u.
> 
> comments & feedback = ♡, please and thank you.

They start when they end. Not right away, not when the end came along with heartbreak and sleepless nights, wondering where did things go wrong (at least that’s what Jongdae had done in the week of the breakup and he only hoped that Minseok was suffering through the same thing because they were good, they were perfect and yet). Their beginning only came when what they had finally gets packed away into boxes, tucked away in the back of their minds as a mix of bittersweet memories, a collection of shared moments. It was a good four years that they had together, a relationship that spanned over years of university (the full four for Jongdae, the last two for Minseok) and two years of Minseok’s time in the architect’s office. It was a good four years where Jongdae was happy and he supposed that Minseok was happy as well for it to have lasted so long. (their final year was mostly miserable but Jongdae doesn't like to think about it, not when they had a good three years before that to remember. ignorance is bliss and Jongdae likes to think that they were happy all the way through.)

Their (new) beginning comes in the form of an arrangement, or so Minseok had put it, hands curled around his cup of black coffee at the café they two of them had decided to meet up at (much to the displeasure of Baekhyun – “this was the guy who dumped you just two weeks ago, Kim Jongdae, why the hell would you want to meet him?” "He didn't dump me, you asshole, it was mutual." "Nothing mutual about a breakup if it has you weeping all over me for days." "Shut up.") He had a way to make everything sound logical, sound correct, sound ideal which is probably why Jongdae found himself nodding along and agreeing with the idea that Minseok had put on the table (which was probably why Jongdae even agreed to their breakup in the first place, Minseok had a way with words and Jongdae had a way to follow them). Friends with benefits, no strings, just sex and handjobs and blowjobs. The whole package minus the feelings.

Jongdae finds it weird that they fall into this after years of actually having had been in a relationship but he doesn’t complain, doesn’t voice out his confusion, because the consequence of ending this arrangement was losing Minseok for real. Jongdae doesn't want to lose him, not again, not when he has the chance of still being with Minseok (just not the way they used to be but did it really matter?) After four years of being together, Jongdae wonders if this still counts as being together. Minseok texts and he replies and they meet up. Four years worth of memories and this is what Jongdae has left to hold on to.

+++

[ **Unknown Number** ]: dinner?

[ **Jongdae** ]: okay.

[ **Unknown Number** ]: okay.

+++

He finds Minseok leaning against the outside wall of their usual restaurant, a little hole in the wall which serves a pretty decent kimchi-jjigae that reminds him of the comfort of home, of the warmth of his family, of what he has –had– with Minseok.

He’s still dressed for work (had probably come directly from his office, Jongdae thinks) with his white shirt still crisp and tucked into dark grey slacks though he had the top two buttons undone, as casual as Minseok would be outside of his house. Jongdae wills himself to look away from that strip of exposed skin, later, he’ll have time for that later. Minseok looks good (always has, always would), Kim Jongdae, on the other hand, looks every bit like an overworked university student with his dark washed skinny jeans, oversized grey sweater and worn-out converses, one hand hooked around the strap of his overweight backpack while the other doing its best to neaten up his hair before Minseok catches sight of him.

The cigarette dangles from the older male’s fingers as he exhales smoke, eyes curling up into crescents as he smiles upon noticing Jongdae. The music major wonders if the smile carries a message (“ah, there you are”) like his own used to when he was the one waiting for Minseok, not being able to fully contain the joy of finally seeing the other male. He wonders if his smile does the same now, three months after their breakup, almost three months into this arrangement they’ve got. He shakes his head clear of thoughts, shooting a quick grin back as he inches closer into Minseok, fingers tangling with the other male’s to toss the half burnt cigarette to the ground.

Jongdae wonders if Minseok remembers that he doesn’t like it when Minseok smokes, at least around him,because of the dangers of second hand smoke. He can’t afford to damage his lungs or affect his throat simply because he’s a performer, his voice was his future and he’s told Minseok all of this. Jongdae wonders if Minseok still cares. He supposed that Minseok did since he made it a point to smoke away from the younger male whenever they were over at Minseok's apartment, but Jongdae has a feeling that it was to avoid another lecture on how unhealthy it was than it was out of concern.

If Minseok had minded that Jongdae had discarded his cigarette, he didn’t show it, his expression reading more of amusement than frustration at Jongdae’s actions. “Hey, you,” he tugs on their interlaced hands, bringing the younger male nearer.

“Hey yourself,” Jongdae leans into the pull, fitting himself against Minseok. This was comfortable; this was what they’ve been doing for all four years of their relationship. He doesn’t stop to ponder about how there were now differences now, minute differences in something that came along as a natural movement (because they probably shouldn’t be doing this, probably shouldn’t be pressing up against each other like they’ve always had all those years ago), Jongdae shoves the thoughts to the back of his mind as he closes that gap between them. They weren’t here for thoughts and discussions; they were only for one thing. (Or well, two, if you included food, which was all but a formality in their case, at least to Jongdae.)

The bitter taste of smoke lingers in Jongdae’s mouth, it sticks to the roof of his mouth when he kisses Minseok with a little more force than he intends to, to push, to punish, to break. He wants to crack the face of calm and collectedness that Minseok always has on, a personal challenge of sorts. He wants to see how flustered he can get Minseok to be (like how Minseok so easily makes him), he wants Minseok to pull him away to the car, to jump straight into what they both know they’re here for. And honestly, Jongdae has a project to work on tonight and time was ticking away as they continued making out in a dimly lit alley.

If there’s anything that Jongdae has come to learn over the past four years, it’s that expectations never really worked out when it comes Minseok, not when Minseok has his own standards of expectations for both himself and his partner to meet. He pulls away first, looking nowhere near having been affected by the intensity of the kiss, only to nod in the direction of the restaurant with a small curl on his reddened lips (the only indication that Jongdae had in fact kissed him earlier). “Later. Food first.”

He tries not to sigh when the older male walks ahead of him, not looking back because Jongdae always followed. Really, Jongdae should be used to it now, this was merely a routine of theirs in the past weeks. Food now, sex next, homework after.

+++

[ **Jongdae** ]: can’t make it for dinner. sorry, baekhyun.

[ **Baekhyun** ]: again? this is the 3rd time this week you’re cancelling on me, you ass.

[ **Jongdae** ]: something cropped up with this project. i’ll make it up to you.

[ **Baekhyun** ]: you better or i’ll tell kyungsoo you hate his cooking.

[ **Jongdae** ]: fuck you.

[ **Baekhyun** ]: only if chanyeol says yes.

+++

“Too many buttons,” Jongdae pulls at Minseok’s shirt, tugging it out from his pants, fingers going under to touch at skin that’s warm against his own. He ignores the shirt completely after pulling it as high as it would go. Honestly, who thought buttons were a great invention when all it’s doing is getting in his way.

“I know,” Jongdae is nudged backwards, which has him tripping over his own feet to land onto the edge of Minseok’s bed, right where the older male wants him. He bats the younger male’s fingers away from his shirt, motioning at Jongdae’s still dressed state. “I’ll handle it.”

They don’t speak, there’s no need to. They’ve got this down to a well-choreographed routine brought over from four years of dating and an additional three months of their no strings arrangement. Jongdae drags his own sweater off, tossing it wherever before working on unbuttoning his jeans.

“Why,” Minseok snorts, fingers unbuckling his belt, as Jongdae nearly slides off the bed while tugging off the dark jeans and underwear off, “are your jeans always so goddamn tight?”

“Because they make my legs look good,” he kicks off the denim having had reclaimed his seat on Minseok’s bed. “And it’s not like you were complaining anytime before,” Jongdae gives Minseok a pointed look, eyebrow raised. The older boy shoots him a grin, cheeks bunching up in glee, because they both know that he likes Jongdae in his tight jeans and leather pants. They did, after all, make his legs look good.

+++

He bites back a moan as Minseok presses into him, fingers tightening around the base of his own hard cock. “I don’t love you,” he manages to choke out once Minseok starts to move.

Minseok doesn’t say anything, focused and finding just that spot that makes Jongdae tilt his head back, digging short fingernails into his back. He doesn’t speak, not until he has Jongdae choking on a curse, body tensing up in the surge of his orgasm, only then does he say, “I know.”

+++

It happens more often that Jongdae likes to admit and yet not often enough. He wants to curl around Minseok after they’re done, he wants to spend the night with his arms and legs wrapped around the older male (caging him in, keeping him close), he wants to tell people that yes, he’s still with Kim Minseok and no, they aren’t together but they’re together. He doesn’t want Minseok to be the dirty secret that he hides (does Minseok hide him away like he does?) from his closest friends, using excuses of schoolwork and projects to cover up for late nights. He doubts the excuses would last any longer, not when the semester starts to die down, not when Kyungsoo eyes him suspiciously over breakfast on the weekend when he declares that he needs to head out for a meeting.

Finals week rolls by and between the frustration of having too little time for taking in too much information, Jongdae finds himself missing Minseok. Not the sex, he’s fine with the lack of a warm body pressed against his (the feeling of Minseok pressed into him, the bruises that Minseok leaves on his hips, the weight of Minseok on top of him in Minseok’s too big bed), he just misses the person himself and it hits him in the middle of his world civilization review.

It comes later as a punch in the gut, one that he has to shove away in favour for memorizing the Khanates and the battles that come along with the fight for territories. He misses Kim Minseok. He misses them.

+++

Anticipation is a sweet bonus that edges its way into Jongdae’s mind once the music major wraps up his final paper for the semester. Goodbye, world civilization and music theory 401. Goodbye, reviews after reviews after reviews. Hello, summer break. It’s been so damn long and Minseok had texted him earlier about meeting up and somehow, he wasn’t ashamed in his immediate response to meet the older male at his place.

Anticipation is what has Jongdae standing at the entryway of Minseok’s apartment, grin stretched wide across his lips when the door swings open to a half dressed Kim Minseok. Good, Jongdae thinks, kicking the door shut behind him, that’s one less thing to take off. There’s not much thinking that comes after, not when all Jongdae sees and feels and taste is the familiarity that is Kim Minseok.

Anticipation and probably the lack of proper sleep are what have him slipping up and making the mistake of whimpering, stuttering “I love you, I love you, I love you” along the length of Minseok’s neck as he presses himself closer to the other male, tracing his collarbones with open mouth kisses.

Minseok freezes, Jongdae stops, the world slows down. _Oh_.

Oh, no. The world speeds up again and Jongdae untangles himself from Minseok’s sheets and tangles himself in the articles of his clothes, apologies falling from his lips over and over.

Jongdae has never left the older male’s apartment so quickly before. Jongdae’s never fucked up so bad before (not after he said yes to Minseok’s proposal). He ignores the questioning glances from his housemates when he makes it back in time for the late night movie despite having said that he’ll be “meeting up with some classmates for drinks, don’t wait up”.

There are no new messages from Minseok for the rest of the night.

+++

Chanyeol gets taken aback (literally takes a step back) when he opens the door only to see Minseok who greets him with simple wave of two fingers. To say that the sight was a surprise would be a complete understatement, especially since there was no reason for Minseok to drop by ever since Jongdae and him broke up months ago. He remembers Baekhyun needing to cancel bro-dates (because they were still toeing the line between friendship and love) all those months ago because “Jongdae needs me to make sure he doesn’t drink his weight in alcohol or ugly cry over bad romance dramas”.

Minseok takes the stunned silence from the taller boy into stride; it wasn’t like he was expecting to be welcomed into the apartment his ex (his lover, his friend, his something) shared with his best friends, not when there was nothing left between Jongdae and him apart from their current arrangement hanging between lovers and friends. He cuts to the chase.

“Jongdae left this over last night,” a very familiar watch dangles from Minseok’s fingers, one that Chanyeol has seen around Jongdae’s wrist for as long as he knew him. “Thought he might want it back sooner than later.”

“Erm, okay. Thanks,” he closes his fingers around the watch, brows furrowed in confusion. Jongdae hadn’t mentioned anything about Minseok when he came home the night before, much less spending part of the night with him. “Last night?”

“Last night,” Minseok doesn’t add anything more, there wasn’t anything to explain to Chanyeol, not when he knows that whatever assumption the other boy had pulled up into his head was probably true. “Well then, tell Jongdae I said ‘hi’,” Minseok’s cheeks bunch up as he smiles, fingers waving at the still confused (not so much less than before) Chanyeol who doesn’t move from the doorstep of his shared apartment until the footsteps of Minseok on the stairs fade to nothing.

+++

The watch is left on the dining table, an obvious enough place for Jongdae to notice when he comes back from school lest Chanyeol forgets to pass it back to him. Biting his lower lip, he casts the watch one last glance before turning back to his pile of readings. It carried a heavy meaning, that watch which Jongdae treasured so much, and now it carried the secret of Jongdae and Minseok, post-break up and yet still together. He honestly doesn’t get much done because the thought that Minseok and Jongdae still being together pulls it way out of the back of his mind. Together, they were still together? Jongdae never mentioned anything about them getting back into a relationship. Or did he? The pre-law major frowns, he really just wants to get back to reading and memorizing these cases.

His eyes dart back to the harmless watch sitting on the dining table for the umpteenth time within finishing the third line of the first case and he groans in frustration. Secrets and assumptions never sat well with Chanyeol, weighing heavily only his shoulders, constricting and uncomfortable, so he figures that he could ask Baekhyun about it because Baekhyun would probably know. Jongdae was Baekhyun’s best friend, after all.

+++

It’s quiet when he gets home, not that he minds the quiet because honestly, it’s been a long day at school with the final rush of projects to be completed and his mistake with Minseok lingers in his mind. And he’s forgot his watch at the elder’s place, which means that he would have to meet Minseok to get it back and he really doesn’t want to see the older male just yet but still, the watch was important. Tomorrow, he'll worry about it tomorrow. All he wants right now is a warm meal cooked by one Do Kyungsoo, and a possible cuddling session with one Byun Baekhyun to make up for the crappy day he’s had (classmates who spent more time bickering about mindless things than actually getting work done, lecturers counting down to presentation days, him fucking up with Minseok).

Thinking back, the silence should have tipped him off. It was never good sign for the noise level of the shared apartment to ever be so low that the thunk of his backpack on the ground was audible, not when the house consisted of Byun Baekhyun. Jongdae really should have known something was up when there was a lack of a hollered greeting the moment he set foot through the door. The calm before the storm. He enters the living room with a bright "I'm home!”

The calm breaks, the storm arrives.

+++

He tells himself that Baekhyun doesn’t understand, that Baekhyun doesn’t know what the hell he is talking about when the other boy mentions Minseok and his assumptions (they were right, Baekhyun’s always been good at drawing conclusions). Which is why he snaps at his best friend. “shut up, shut up, shut up!”

Baekhyun stares at him, shocked into silence. Tension is thick between them and guilt settles down within Jongdae. Chanyeol reaches out to place a hand on the smaller boy’s knee as a form of comfort and restraint, which was brushed away when Baekhyun stands, body tense with built up anger.

“You’re a fucking idiot, Kim Jongdae. A complete fucking idiot who is clinging onto his ex because he’s too much of a coward to let go,” Baekhyun shakes Chanyeol’s hands away once more, frustration burning through his veins. “I care about you, I probably care more about you that the boy you’ve dated for four years and continued to fuck for months.”

"Shut up."

"Jongdae–"

"Shut up, you don't know anything so just shut the fuck up, Byun Baekhyun. Shut up," Jongdae takes a step back, eyes fixed on the ground at Baekhyun's feet. "Shut up."

Baekhyun doesn't respond, he doesn't have to, not when Jongdae's already halfway to his room.

+++

Jongdae thinks (knows) that Baekhyun doesn’t understand. After all, how could he? When he has one of the lucky ones who found their person, their missing half, so easily. How could Baekhyun understand when he has never been left behind by someone who he wouldn’t be able to live without? Baekhyun is happy, Baekhyun is whole, Baekhyun is loved.

Jongdae is chipped, Jongdae is cracked, Jongdae is broken. His pieces scattered around his feet and he doesn’t want to pick them up, not when there is nothing left to put him back together. Minseok wasn’t here anymore, not the way he used to be. They used to be a whole, they used to be more than the sum of the two of them and yet here they were, broken halves that don’t seem to fit together perfectly anymore.

Kyungsoo’s probably the only one who knows what he’s going through, Jongdae muses. Do Kyungsoo who loved (at least Jongdae thinks it was love because he’s a romantic sap while Baekhyun thinks it’s simply an attraction of sorts because Do Kyungsoo doesn’t do love) that TA from his first year marketing class, Do Kyungsoo who doesn’t talk to Kim Junmyeon anymore, doesn’t even look at him after their mutual separation (could breakups ever be mutual though? Doesn’t one side feel cheated when something dissolves into nothing?), Do Kyungsoo essentially ignores all presence of the older male whenever they spend the evening at the bar Minseok frequents. Jongdae doesn’t blame him for pretending that Kim Junmyeon never existed; it’s not easy seeing someone who used to curl around you resting his hand on the thigh of someone else. He’s surprised that Kyungsoo allows himself to be subjected to the sight of someone else’s (Kim Jongin, a first year architecture student) lips brushing against the shell of Junmyeon’s ear over and over and over again. Maybe Baekhyun was right about Kyungsoo enjoying pain (Kyungsoo smacks Baekhyun across the head when Baekhyun says this out loud and tells Baekhyun that he’s the one who seems to enjoy pain since he keeps saying stupid things to get hit. Baekhyun just wriggled his eyebrows in response, much to Kyungsoo’s disgust).

+++

He doesn’t talk to Baekhyun for over a week and it leaves him itching with guilt and unease because this was Baekhyun. The both were inseparable, even after Chanyeol came into the picture. Baekhyun and Jongdae, two little boys in the big world working hard to reach their dreams of letting everyone hear their voice. Baekhyun and Jongdae who were loyal to each other to a fault (Jongdae had sworn that should Chanyeol ever hurt Baekhyun, he could forget about any possible use for his dick since he wouldn’t have one. Chanyeol choked and Baekhyun snorted.)

It’s suspiciously easy to avoid Baekhyun despite them being flat mates, a strong hint that Baekhyun was avoiding him too. Which meant that there was nobody but Kyungsoo left to talk to and unfortunately for him, Kyungsoo would rather pay attention to his papers than to Jongdae whining about how bored he was. Jongdae misses his best friend, the one person who understood him more than he understood himself (which was probably why he should have listened to Baekhyun but no, Baekhyun doesn’t understand this time because Baekhyun’s happy in love and Jongdae is miserable), and he voices this out to the youngest male, shoulder slumping as he recounts the tale of the “Baekhyun-Jongdae breakup” (not that he actually needs the retelling, he was at home when the whole thing went down and Chanyeol was more than to fill in the gaps because secrets like this were too heavy for one Park Chanyeol).

Kyungsoo looks up from his laptop, fingers pausing midway through their furious typing when Jongdae slumps into the chair across from him at the dining table with a pout on his lips. He weighs his words before speaking like he usually does, eyes trained on the music major sitting across him. “You’re an idiot, Baekhyun’s an idiot too. But you’re the one who messed up this time and he’s just trying to help. So. Just let him help.”

“That’s the most useless thing you’ve ever said to me,” Jongdae sighs, pressing his face into the crook of his elbow. “Baekhyun doesn’t understand-”

“But I do,” Kyungsoo cuts in, eyes narrowing as he kicks the other male in the shin to get him to look up. “Jongdae, I understand. And I’m telling you to listen to Baekhyun.”

+++

He manages to catch Baekhyun after a morning class, in that small gap where Baekhyun comes home to trade the thick textbooks he required for his business modules for the file holding his music sheets for his afternoon vocal lessons. The apology comes quick, slipping through his lips once he's got his best friend to stay still long enough to listen to him, next comes an explanation, the arrangement that Baekhyun should have known about and could have prevented.  
  
“I’m losing him, I keep losing him, Baekhyun. I just-" Jongdae pauses, "I think I still love him.”  
  
The other male watches him, eyes devoid of any sparkle they usually carried. If this were any other situation, Jongdae would have made fun of how Baekhyun was too serious, but this wasn’t any other situation. This was Jongdae finally speaking out, this was Jongdae finally fighting back against the thin thread that’s been keeping him together, that's been choking him over the months, one that is threatening to cut off any air supply he might possibly have.  
  
“Jongdae-ah… I-I don’t think that’s love.”

+++

Minseok sends a message for the first time in two weeks.

He stares at the display (Unknown Number, Jongdae’s never bothered saving the older male’s number after Baekhyun had deleted it one week after the breakup. He doesn’t need to; he’s memorized it by heart). He stares and he makes up his mind. Perhaps, just perhaps, it’s time for him to start letting go.

Jongdae replies.


End file.
